


Butterflies

by merildis



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Budding Relationship, Deep Roads, F/M, Fluff, dumb babies flirting and being stupid, hawke doesn't realize the fact that anders is just as into her as she is him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-09 06:32:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1972515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merildis/pseuds/merildis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Traveling through the Deep Roads left a lot of room for introspection. Between the darkness and the silence, there was little to distract from one’s own thoughts. And yet, somehow, Allegra ended up thoroughly and completely distracted. There were a million things she could have been thinking about: whether or not it was a good idea to bring Carver down here, what to do with the money if they made it out alive, what would happen if they didn’t make it out alive. Instead, however, the only thing Allegra could think about for more than a few fleeting moments was the apostate Grey Warden who walked next to her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Butterflies

**Author's Note:**

> I meant for this to be a little more angsty but you know what there is enough angsty fic about these two in this fandom so I decide to just make it cute and dumb instead. So I hope you enjoy loser nerds kind-of flirting because that is exactly what you're going to get.

Traveling through the Deep Roads left a lot of room for introspection. Between the darkness and the silence, there was little to distract from one’s own thoughts. And yet, somehow, Allegra ended up thoroughly and completely distracted. There were a million things she could have been thinking about: whether or not it was a good idea to bring Carver down here, what to do with the money if they made it out alive, what would happen if they _didn’t_ make it out alive. Instead, however, the only thing Allegra could think about for more than a few fleeting moments was the apostate Grey Warden who walked next to her. Of course, she tried _not_ to think about him. Rather desperately, in fact. And yet somehow it always came back to him; to the color of his hair in the torchlight, the grim set of his jaw, the stubble on his chin. Every thought she had, every attempt to break free from this spell, came back to him. He looked at her and she was sure her heart stopped beating for a few seconds.

                Varric fell back to walk on Allegra’s other side. He was the only one who really kept up conversation while they walked; part of her wondered if he was fazed at all by the Deep Roads with the way he carried on like they were on a stroll through Kirkwall. “How are you holdin’ up, Hawke?” He grinned at her like usual. Like they weren’t miles underground and possibly surrounded by darkspawn.

                It took her a moment to pull herself out of her contemplation of Anders’ stubble – _is there more now? I guess that makes sense, I mean, it’s not like he can really shave down here… Maker, he looks good. –_ in order to respond to him, and for half a second she looked at Varric like she had never seen him before in her life before the world clicked back into place. “I’m okay. I mean, we’re really deep underground and it’s really dark, but you know,” she shrugged “just another Tuesday, right?” She laughed, and then paused for a moment. “ _Is_ it Tuesday?” She pursed her lips in thought. Anders glanced at her with the ghost of a smile on his face and she pretended not to see. She pretended the butterflies that sprang to life in her stomach weren’t there at all.

                Varric chuckled. “So,” he said, “are you ever going to stop staring at Blondie long enough to actually pay attention to what’s happening around you?”

                Hawke gaped at him indignantly and sputtered “I’m not- why would you even- shut up, Varric!” She stole a frantic glance at Anders, but his face was unreadable in the flickering torchlight. “I am not staring at _anyone_.” She insisted in a forceful whisper. If looks could kill, Varric would probably have been dead a hundred times over.

                His usually comforting infallible demeanor was infuriating now as he laughed in her face. “Riiiight,” he said. “So, we’re just gonna pretend you’re not completely head-over-heels for him then?”

                “I’m not!” Allegra could feel her face flushing.

                “I’m not exactly an expert, Hawke, but it’s pretty obvious,” Varric said. “We’ve been down here three days and I don’t think I’ve seen you take your eyes off him once.”

                Allegra wanted to smack the smug grin right off of his face. “I am _not_ into him.” She wasn’t quite sure if she was trying to convince Varric of this fact or herself.

                “Whatever you say.” Varric was still laughing when he went to return to his brother at the front of the group. _I’m not actually that into him, am I?_ Allegra mentally questioned herself. _I mean, yeah, he’s cute and I guess we’ve flirted a little bit but I’m not “head-over-heels” for him or anything._ She thought, biting her lip as she stole another glance his way. _He’s just-… I just think he’s-…._

                And then suddenly it all clicked into place. _Shit_ , she thought, _shit, shit, shit. I_ am _in love with him._ The realization hit her like a ton of bricks. Part of her wanted to punch herself in the face. The other part of her wanted to punch _him_ in the face. She wasn’t quite sure which side was winning, but she was certain one or the other was going to before it was all over. _We’re who knows how many miles underground, surrounded by darkspawn, and I’ve fallen in love with this damn apostate Grey Warden. Maker, what did I do to make you hate me?_ And yet for all her exasperation, Allegra couldn’t help the giddy butterflies in her stomach and the hopeful spark that kindled in her heart whenever she repeated the words in her head. She bit back a smile and, for the moment, the weight of the stone above her seemed that much lighter.

 

                The next hours passed slowly, until Allegra found herself lying on her bedroll, staring into the vast blackness of the stone above her. Thoughts raced through her mind faster than she could keep up, and each and every one of them came back to _him._  The thoughts of him made her stomach flip and her heart beat faster, and yet she couldn’t shake them. _Maker, I’m stupid._ She thought, _I flirted with him but I never expected to- to fall in love with him._ Letting herself think those words again brought the same flood of warmth over her as it had done before and she covered her face with her hands to hide her blush even though she knew no one saw; Carver was asleep beside her (made obvious by his incessantly loud snoring), whoever was on watch was on the other side of the camp, and the fire had died to a few smoldering embers.

                While Allegra was busy trying to control the butterflies in her stomach, a figure moved in the shadows. She didn’t realize anyone was up until the fire sprung back to life. She sat up and immediately felt her heart skip a beat when she recognized the figure who now sat next to the flames. “Anders,” she breathed, suddenly less giddy and more nervous than before. _Well, Allegra, you’ve certainly cocked this one up. You can’t avoid him now._ She wanted to hide, to shove her face into her blankets and pretend she never existed at all, but instead she stood up and walked toward the fire. _Fuck it all. We’re probably going to die down here anyway; I might as well embarrass myself properly before then._

                “Can’t sleep either?” Hawke asked as she sat down a few feet from him. Somehow, the camp that had seemed so large earlier seemed much smaller when it was only the two of them, and while the fire provided enough light to see, it seemed as if the darkness outside their little circle of light deepened. She pushed a lock of raven hair away from her face nervously and tucked it behind her ear.

                Anders looked up at her. For a moment she wondered if he was going to mention her conversation with Varric earlier – he must have heard it, after all, since they were walking mere feet from him – but he didn’t say a word. Now that she saw him properly in the light he looked haggard, like he hadn’t had a proper night of sleep in months, and part of Hawke longed to reach out and smooth his hair back and adjust his coat; to make him look more like a human being than a walking ghost. He gave her a wry smile and shook his head. “No. It’s… difficult for Grey Wardens to sleep down here.”

                She leaned forward slightly and cocked her head to the side, curiosity winning out over her affection. “What do you mean?” She asked.

                He avoided meeting her eyes, instead staring out into the darkness. She could see every one of his muscles tense and suddenly regretted ever asking. “It’s the darkspawn,” his voice was quiet, distant. “When you become a Warden, you take their taint into your blood. That’s why we’re immune. But we can feel them…” the last words were barely a whisper, trailing off into the blackness. He hadn’t exactly answered her question, but Allegra didn’t dare push him farther.

                “I’m sorry,” Allegra murmured. It wasn’t enough. Her voice felt small and weak, her words not enough to fill the silence that now stretched between them. _Smooth, Allegra. Real smooth. You come over here to try and win his heart and instead you make him sad and all you manage to say is “I’m sorry.” You are definitely the queen of fucking things up right about now._ She thought bitterly as she looked down, her eyes following the swirling back lines of her tattoo as she traced over them with a restless fingertip. She stole a glance at Anders only to find the same hollow look in his eyes. It broke her heart to seem him like that, so somber and clearly exhausted. She wished that look wasn’t so common on him.

                Finally, she broke the silence, unable to bear it any longer without going insane. “So,” she said, almost hesitantly. “You’re a spirit healer, right?”

                Anders looked relieved to hear her voice, to find any distraction from the thoughts whirling in his head. “Yes. Only good thing the Circle taught me, really,” He said with a smirk. “Though I guess really I learned a lot of it from the Warden-Commander.” Allegra could see him relax now, the tension melting away.

                “The Warden-Commander?” Allegra questioned. She tried to keep her voice steady, to pretend that his smirk didn’t make her heart stop, but even then she could feel heat creeping into her cheeks the longer he looked at her. _Oh, Maker, I really have got it bad._

                The way he looked at her, the ghost of that playful smirk still playing on his face, made Hawke wonder for a split second if he realized just how bad she had it too, but she pushed the thoughts away as quickly as they came. “You know, the Hero of Fereldan? Stopped the Blight?” He laughed and Allegra’s heart soared to hear it. “She was a spirit healer, too. A damn good one.”

                Allegra raised an eyebrow in surprise. “The Hero of Fereldan is a _mage?_ ”

                “And an elf, too,” Anders remarked.

              “You know, you’d think with one of us saving the world the chantry might back off a little on the whole ‘all mages are bad’ thing,” said Allegra with a bark of wry laughter.

                “You’d think,” Anders nodded in agreement. For a moment, silence stretched between them again, more comfortable than before. Allegra could hardly bring herself to do more than glance at him, too afraid of meeting his eyes for too long, and yet even then she marveled at how beautiful he was in the flickering firelight; his golden hair shining, the curve of his jaw outlined with the flame’s glow, his dark eyes warm and soft. It was easy to forget the first night they had met, when he crackled with rage and unnatural light. Looking at him now, he seemed little more than a tired healer. Not a Grey Warden, not an abomination, just a man. He smiled at her and she smiled back before looking away, feeling like a schoolgirl with her first crush.

                “So,” Allegra said finally, shaking off the warm haze that clouded her mind. “Could you teach me?”

                This time it was Anders who raised an eyebrow. “I thought you knew how to heal?”

                “Well, yes, but I only know the basic spell really,” Her words tumbled out faster than she intended and she mentally scolded herself. _What happened to being the suave, flirtatious one, Allegra? I swear I used to know how to do this._ “I’ve always wanted to learn how to do it properly. And,” she shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. She wasn’t sure it worked. “I figured if I was more skilled I could help you out at the clinic.” She remembered the first day she met him when he had stumbled back after healing a patient, utterly exhausted. He could certainly use the help an extra pair of hands would provide.

                Anders gave her a quizzical look, but he didn’t question her. “I suppose I could try, but it’s not exactly something that can be taught.” He motioned for her to come closer and she scooted toward him. She wasn’t sure now if the heat she felt in her face was the fire in front of her or the one burning under her skin. “Spirit healing relies on calling spirits from the Fade to strengthen your spells,” he explained. “It’s like opening a tear in the Veil every time you use it. That’s why templars fear us so much; we’re more vulnerable to possession than most,” his voice washed over her like cool water. She couldn’t take her eyes off of him.

                “I’m not afraid of possession,” Hawke said defiantly, grinning.

                For a moment, Anders looked as if he wanted to say something in response to that, but instead just shook his head slightly and continued. “The hard part is convincing the spirits to help you,” he said. “it requires a lot of meditation and patience, but once you’re able to earn their trust, the rest is easier.” He took her hands into his and she felt her breath catch in her throat. Touching and kissing Isabela, that had been easy, but even this little bit of contact with Anders set all of her nerves alight. The way his fingers ghosted over her skin ignited that little spark of hope in her heart that perhaps it was as intense for him as it was for her, but she tried her best to squash it. It wouldn’t do her any good to get her hopes up now. “I assume you’ve meditated before?” His voice drew her back and she nodded. Most mages meditated; it helped to deepen and replenish mana stores. “It’s like that,” he said, “but different.”

                Hawke laughed. “Really? I never would have guessed.”

                Anders rolled his eyes. “I never said I was a good teacher,” he laughed. “It’s kind of like when you go into the Fade when you’re dreaming. You’re not there completely, but the connection is there. Just,” his fingers curled tighter around hers and both of them were looking down at where their hands sat now, “close your eyes and relax. My mentor told me to imagine it’s like you’re reaching out into the Fade and drawing the spirits to you.”

                Allegra let her eyes fall closed and tried to focus. They lapsed back into silence; the only noises that of their mingled breath and the crackle of the fire. She tried her best to do as he said and reach out into the Fade, screwing her eyes shut as tight as she could and trying to imagine herself sending tendrils of light into the bleakness of the other world and calling the healing spirits toward her, going almost rigid with the effort. "Relax," Anders whispered, and rubbed small circles on the backs of her hands with his thumbs. Allegra tried to follow his direction, but she found herself getting lost in him instead. With her eyes shut like this, she was suddenly hyper-aware of him like she hadn't been before. She could feel the telltale electric charge that ran across his skin, the same one that marked her as a mage as well. With every breath she could smell him, warm and dark and wild; the metallic tang of magic mixed with healing herbs and the dust of Darktown that twined with the mustiness of his old coat. The sensations filled her mind until finally she opened her eyes with a sigh. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” she confessed. She left out the bit about not really being able to clear her mind when he was holding her hands and looking at her like that, all quiet affection and intense interest.

                Anders smiled. “It’s alright, it takes practice. We can try again another time,” his hands lingered on hers and his voice was soft. She thought she saw him biting his lip, but it could have been a trick of the light.

                This time, he looked into her eyes and she didn’t try to look away. She knew there was a blush creeping up her cheeks but she didn’t care, too focused on him. She smiled and it felt more real than any smile since Lothering.  “I would like that,” she murmured, and tightened her grip on his hands.

                “I would, too,” Anders replied.

 _Maybe,_ she thought, _just maybe, this will be okay._


End file.
